When I was 9 I met a boy named Tony. My mother used to send me to NC from NY for the summers. I was at my cousins house and we had people over and Tony was one of those people. He was silly and funny and had the biggest smile I had ever seen. He lived up the hill in the apartment community my cousin lived in and they lived at the bottom. Tony never walked anywhere. Whenever you saw him he was running..he had this unstoppable energy.
That first summer was the summer I fell in love with him. We had so much fun! Our world consisted of that one street with him running down the hill to be with me. It didn’t matter if he had someone; when I came back into town it was all about me. I smile even now when I think about those days.
Tony and I had our on again and off again through the years. The early years resulted in my oldest daughter and drama that I never thought I would have to go through. He got someone else pregnant at the same time I was pregnant. My young 19 year old mind could not handle it and I thought I would die…well as we can all see…I made it! I am digressing and that story was told in another post.
Tony and I eventually would part ways and do our own thing. My thing was raising my daughters and working to find my happiness. His thing was drugs. He got hooked on crack and his life was never the same. The years would not be kind to him. He spent time in and out of prison. He was constantly trying to get himself together but his addiction would not allow it. He was homeless more than he had a home. His relationships were more for a place to live and a benefactor than anything else. The sad reality was for many years I was his supporter. I enabled him to be what he was without realizing it. My attempts to help him only gave him the means to do what he wanted to do and that was run the streets and smoke.
As I think about it, in every phase of my life Tony has been there. If you would view my life in movie form you would see him lurking in the background waiting to step in. He was around for both of my marriages (either before the marriage or after) and a few serious relationships and break ups. He knew my family and could keep track of what was going on with me. It’s like he knew when to step back in the picture. I was vulnerable to him. I loved him and each time he showed up I would forget what he did and move forward hoping that this time things would be different. They never would be.
A few times he would dangle rehab in front of me to give him another chance. What I noticed is that he always wanted me to find the programs, make the calls and set up the appointments. At first I was quick to move to make it happen. All I could think was he wanted help and I was going to get it for him! When things didn’t work out, I found myself to blame for it falling apart. He did everything he could to avoid accepting responsibility for his addiction. He would even go so far as to minimize his crack use…he would say things like “I know I do my thing, but at least I do work”. He was right, he did work..then go right out and blow it.
The first time he actually stole from me was 4 years ago. I had grocery money in my wallet and he must have came in that night, took my money and left. That morning he watched me get up, get dressed and go to the store knowing my money wasn’t there. I was so angry and hurt that he would do this to me. How dare I think I was anything special…I always felt that his addiction would never affect me. If i’m honest, his addiction has always affected me; I just conveniently forgot to remember those times.
As my girls got older they noticed what was going on. He was never a real dad to my daughter because somewhere he stopped growing up himself. I honestly don’t know why I kept going back other than the hope that each time would be different. I would tell myself that I loved him. The reality is that I was in love with the idea of life with him without drugs. I hung in there hoping things would change. Even though I loved Tony I was no longer IN love with him. Our being together became a habit.
The one thing I have come to realize is someone on drugs will only stop when they WANT to. No one can make them, force them or scare them into doing it. The only way to be strong enough to walk away from this type of relationship is to love YOU more than you love that person. I realized that I deserved more than what I was getting. I knew that I could be happier alone than constantly on edge in a house waiting. Waiting on something to get missing or my vehicle to get taken.
Today is a new day. I have not seen Tony in a very long time. My last interaction with him was picking up my truck from an off ramp on I-40 after the police stopped him for buying crack. Luckily for me I had reported my truck stolen as to avoid having my vehicle impounded. After that night I never saw him again. I get a call every now and then..but trust you me…I won’t EVER forget to remember, what he is. Until he has made the choice to handle his addiction he will not be a part of my life.
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