Helping out a friend

Almost 2 years ago I rescued a scruffy little ball of energy named Toby. Toby had been with a family who kept him crated for 22 hours a day. They never took him out for play or just to be out and about. He had no human contact and no love. The first few months of us being together was a true battle of wills. Toby didn’t trust me and showed out in his own little way. One being is fetish for underwear and his love of playing keep away with my socks. He would wake in the night howling and I would sooth him back to sleep, my heart breaking at the thought of him doing that alone in a dark crate with no one there to show him that compassion.

Fast forward to today…Toby the tiger is full of life and now has the security of his new home. He runs the place and boy does he know it. He is loving and sweet and I am so glad to be able to give him a better quality of life.

About 5 months ago I noticed that his left eye was starting to get cloudy. The vet tested his eye pressure and just found it to be a cataract but nothing serious or life threatening. Right before the New Year he started having trouble keeping that eye open so the vet prescribed him some pain medicine and an antibiotic in the event of an infection. She also retested his pressure and found it to be normal. Just 2 days ago my friend awoke shaking and unable to keep the eye open again. He refused to eat or drink and just slept or followed me around and lying at my feet (which is not normal for him).

I took him to Banfield where they tested his pressure to find that it was now 72 (25 being normal).  It was found that he has glaucoma behind the cataract. Toby was in so much pain that he could barely walk as if he was off balance and was constantly trembling. I was prescribed drops and oral pain meds to help alleviate some of the pain. To my dismay the drops did nothing to reduce the pressure and the pain meds were a minimal help. Toby will have to have his left eye removed. Although I hate to see this happen, I know it’s for the best. He has since been put on an additional pain medicine and has bounced back very nicely.  He is now eating a bit more and drinking.  He even went on a walk where he led me to his favorite spots.  This, however, is a temporary fix.  Soon the pain medicine will not work to alleviate the added pressure to his eye.

The urgency is very great to get his surgery done right away.  That is why I have created an online fundraiser asking for assistance in helping me with his surgery. The cost is around $1000 and I am far from having that much. I have posted my link on Facebook and have reached out to friends and family. I am now calling on the kindness of strangers. Any assistance that you can give will be greatly appreciated. I have my own personal deadline for this surgery…ASAP, but hope it can be done within the next few weeks depending on the donations and what I can come up with. The link to donate is http://gfwd.at/1xFGE09. I want to thank you for taking the time to read and if you donate I am especially thankful.

Fighting the blahs

For the past several days I have really been fighting the blahs. I am not sure of the last time I felt this way. It’s a mixture of frustration, fatigue, weariness and just anger. I have all of these emotions rolling around in me and I honestly can’t convey the feeling or understand the WHY. I am normally a very contained person. I always try to have myself together and approach anything in my life with an open mind and heart. Lately, however, I am feeling like something is pushing my shoulders down. It’s harder to get out of bed and the body aches are almost too much to bear. After looking up my symptoms online (the only doctor I can afford right now) it seems that I may be heading towards depression. Again, my question is WHY?

Things are going well in my life with the exception of not having a romantic relationship. My children and grandchild are okay. My business is not only holding it’s own it’s growing, of which I am extremely grateful. I am finally able to catch up on those bills that slipped when my business wasn’t doing so hot. I have a great group of friends and family that I am surrounded by. So why do I feel so alone even when I am in a room full of people? I need to get a handle on this and fast. I feel like I am driving on a dark road with no headlights and KNOW that something is coming towards me but can’t see it. That is such a frightening thought!

In less than a month I will be on an 8 day vacation to a beach front home. That is truly my light at the end of the tunnel. I have been working extremely hard sometimes 6 days a week and I can use the break. I’m tired and I just want to relax and not have to think about nothing but the next nap. I don’t want to claim that I am depressed because I can’t, won’t and refuse to accept that. Hell I even wondered if I was pre-menopausal! I am at the right age and have been dealing with the sweats and the sudden chills. My memory isn’t what it used to be and I am a downright mood meter going from one extreme to the next.

There is a solution and I am definitely sure to find it. Honestly it felt pretty good putting this here and getting it out of my head. I don’t have feelings of wanting to hurt myself or ending my pain..so please don’t worry whoever is reading this. I am a pretty strong woman with a very strong mind. I just don’t like when I am feeling out of whack and I struggle and am fanatical at times about finding out why and then going about fixing it.

Here today……

I woke up this morning to some very disturbing news. Someone I have worked with had died suddenly. He hadn’t been sick for a while. No one was prepared for his death. He was just here one day and gone the next. My relationship with Nick began 5 years ago when I was just starting my signing agency business. His company was the first that I worked for and he was a locator at the time (a locator calls the notaries for the appointments). He was always happy and upbeat and just an all around nice guy from what I can gather.

Nick got married last year and had a son. His wife is currently expecting their second child. I am still in a state of shock. I have never met Nick in person, didn’t spend any quality time with him yet I am feeling his loss very deeply. This is the second friend I have lost suddenly who was married with small children and all I can think is how will they go on. Yet they will move on because that is how we are built. It won’t be easy. There will be much pain but eventually the cogs of our life will have to resume or we too die.

Nick died after being out drinking with a friend all night. He just laid down and died. His was visiting his best friend and I guess they just wanted to party. I can’t imagine how his friend felt trying to wake Nick up and not being able to. Better yet how hard it was to call his family to tell them the tragic news. All around this is a very sad state of affairs. My heart goes out to the family and the many people whose lives he touched.

If his facebook page is any indication, Nick was just as much a stand up man away from work as he was at work. My heart is hurting at this loss. I won’t get to laugh with him again, or just talk with him again. Nick will truly be missed….

Oversharing

I have a Facebook account…it seems the entire world does.  I got my account to connect with long lost friends, family and classmates.  I succeeded in finding almost everyone I knew and a few found me as well.  Although I do have an account my postings are very limited.  In the beginning I was putting up pictures of me, my new hairstyle, my grandson and every video I took documenting is growth.  After a while it became a bit much.  I started feeling like my life was revolving around FB.  I actually have the phone numbers of some of those people and yet I will only reach out on FB.  When did the internet become the new way of communicating.  What happened to reading a persons facial expressions, giving a hug, holding hands or just hanging out??

Don’t get me started on the selfies!  I actually had one FB friend post selfies of her in the hospital..I mean in the hospital bed!  Really?  When does it become obvious that we are oversharing information and how do you tell that person without sounding like a whiner?   Don’t get me wrong I know I have the option of blocking all of her posts but then what would be the reason to stay friends with her on FB?  It’s not that I don’t like all of her posts or posts from my other friends for that matter…I just have an issue with sharing too much information.

My sis in DC does not call me…let me repeat…does not call me.  Yet I can go on FB and see every thing she has done in her life.  She puts up the most information of all of my friends.  If she is mad she will post these cryptic messages on her page.  I’m always thinking to myself…why the hell doesn’t she just tell the person she is talking about.  She actually posted a happy birthday message to me and NEVER called me to express it voice to voice.  For me that is a problem.  It makes me feel that she is out of touch with reality a bit.  Social media is great and it’s a useful tool.  However, when it starts to replace your actual LIFE, it’s time to take a step back and look at some things.

I have no problem with moving along with the times.  But sometimes it’s okay to stop and enjoy the hear and now.  Get out of the house and actually meet the people.  Remove the middle man (your computer, cell phone, tablet) and start socializing.  Go to a cookout, visit a friend, hang out with family, take a trip.  Life is happening and you are missing it while sitting in front of your computer.  On that note..I am about to go make life happen!

Same ole, same ole

I recently decided to go back onto my yahoo messenger.  I think it has been at least 5 years since I have been on there.   When I was on YM I loved to chat with friends and folks I had met through the chat rooms.  I loved the emoticons and just being able to have a nice online conversation or not so nice ones.  I have to say I met some true characters and a few really good friends.  Those I enjoyed talking to the most I would friend and keep in a certain category and those who were just chat buddies would stay in another.  The crazies…I am sure you know who I am referring to…. were quickly deleted and blocked.

Once I turned on messenger the flood gates opened and I was getting all types of messages from people I had not chatted with in over 5 years.  It was crazy how these people hit me up as if it had only been a few days.  Many of them I had totally forgotten about and had to reacquaint myself with.   As I chatted with them I would start to remember certain things about our history.  I found it so interesting how they had not changed much.  I mean they may have had different jobs, or lived in houses and not apartments, but the way they conducted themselves online was the same.  The immature conversations that only revolved around sex or “what are you wearing” or “I’m so horny”…it’s laughable.  They were still online and only seemed to want to communicate that way.  If I didn’t know better I would swear when I logged off Yahoo the pause button got pushed.

I was sad that the ones I did remember fondly and have tried to communicate with offline, just don’t seem motivated to do so.  I wonder if it’s the anonymity of the online environment.  There were a few that I had never seen a picture of.  The double lives we lead have always fascinated me, particularly online.  How easy it is to create this online persona and be absolutely terrified that the person won’t like the real you.  At that point in my life I may have done the double life thing.  It’s easy to create who you really want to be online.  The real struggle for some is replacing that online persona and actually being who you really are.  I would say that I have done that.  I  no longer feel I need the validation of online interaction to feel better about myself.  I am no longer the yahoo junkie I used to be.  I no longer crave the attention that I used to get from complete strangers.  I don’t want to validate myself by knowing I am in a “relationship” with some username on a screen. I have officially moved OFFLINE.   And boy does it feel damn good!

D Day is Here

Due to some unfortunate events I had to move my daughters move out date to this weekend.  My heart is heavy and I am feeling very conflicted.  The one good thing coming out of this is that my grandson will get to stay with me.  He needs a stable home environment with financial support that neither parents can give him right now.  Even though I know it’s the right thing I have mixed emotions.  I have always thought that once my children got grown that my job would be over.  Well, in reality you will always be a parent but the needs should be less.  I am finding that not to be the case.  Over the past few years I have watched both of my daughters grow into women.  I have tried to teach, coach, direct, support and step back when needed.  We have had some rough roads and they have both made some decisions that I felt would haunt them for a while.

One daughter has been able to bounce back while the other is still struggling to find her footing.  Her decisions are life altering and have been constantly biting her in the behind.  She wants to live her life a certain way and I can respect that completely.  At the age of 24 she should be working, living her life and moving in a positive direction.  Instead she is a single mother, resentful of the choices that she made and has emotionally stepped out on her child.  This is where I come in.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I have enabled her even though I thought I was helping her.  At this point I am trying to cut the cord.

My final straw came when after months of attempting to find a job she manages to lose it in less than 30 days!  This would be the 4th job lost in a year.  I may have been able to handle the job loss but what I could not handle was the deception.  As a self employed person my schedule is my own. I have rearranged my schedule to allow my daughter to work and not worry about childcare.  There were times I would almost lose out on a job because I was trying to help her so much.  When she got fired, instead of telling me she was no longer working, she pretended to go to work every day.  In the mean time I am pushing and rearranging my schedule to keep the baby.  Talk about pissed when I found out!

I also found out she has been making money and not contributing to anything…household bills or her sons needs.  I am literally at the end of my rope.  I am so fed up I gave her until the end of this week to be gone.  I have made sure she has put things in place to ensure my grandson can start head start and obtain childcare but I can no longer allow her to stay here.  My mother thinks she has a mental problem.  I won’t say I disagree, however, we all make choices.  When I offered to have her see someone she refused.  I told my mother that she is making conscious decisions to do everything she WANTS to do and nothing that she NEEDS to do.  That really doesn’t sound like someone with a mental problem to me.  That sounds like someone who only thinks of themselves to the exclusion of all others including their child.

It was not my intention to reverse time and go back to raising a baby.  My grandson needs me and as a woman and a parent I cannot turn my back on him.  Some say this might bite me as she won’t come back to get him. I hope the steps I am taking will somehow shake her out of whatever this is and push her into taking responsibility for her life and the decisions she is making.  I hurt at the idea of having to put my child in the streets but at this point I feel I have no choice.  The one thing I do know is that life is a bitch of a lesson and only the strong survive.

I have a story to tell

I have a story to tell.  It’s buried deep in my subconscious and won’t come out.  I can’t tell you the number of times I have started this story only to stop in frustration because the words don’t sound right, the beginning is not catchy enough etc.  What is this story about you may ask…well it’s about my life.  Yeah I know we all have a life story and I am not saying that mine is any better or worse, for that matter, than anyone else’s.  What I am saying is I NEED to get this story out of my head.  In my heart I know it will be inspirational to so many young women.  I have a story to tell that will inspire, empower, bring tears and even lots of laughter.  I KNOW my story is a great one.  The only problem I have is putting it on paper.  I have no clue where to start.  I am extremely frustrated and have no clue where to go for help.

I am not entirely sure of what I am expecting, fame, wealth or just a peace of mind to have my story told.  I know my life story is ongoing because I am still here.  The story I want to tell is how I got here.  What roads did I travel to make it to this point.  The sacrifices, the blood, sweat and tears that built the life that I now have.  I am 44 years old and sometimes feel as if I have lived a lifetime.  My story isn’t all tragic…there are so many high points.  I have been through a lot…some things no one even wants to think about.  I have a story to tell and I know it will help someone.  If I can just get my story out of my mind and on paper…..any suggestions???

A breach of contract?

I have mentioned earlier that I have and still do online dating.  I visit several sites none of which are paying sites.  My one of choice is Craigslist.  Many may laugh at this but you can really meet some nice people there.  As a matter of fact I have met my king there.  Yes it’s like finding a needle in a haystack some times but the reward could be worth the work.  Anyway, in the sea of single men looking for the traditional and the not so traditional things there are the men who are otherwise taken.

It’s very hard not to judge a man who would go on the internet to find some random woman to have sex with, create a relationship with, when they have a wife at home.  Now I am sure you men are saying “what about the women”? True there are women who do this but I can only speak for my personal experience at this point.  I am such a proponent of communication that I wonder (often) why these men are not talking to their wives and telling them of their dissatisfaction.  The funny thing is none of these men will leave their wives.  They are just seeking an outlet for their sexual frustration.  Hell, some are just trying to add to it!

I posted on CL after my dear jane break-up.  I just needed to chat because I was feeling so down.  I received so may positive responses and break up stories; it was so sad.  One person in particular caught my attention and we began to email every day, a few times a day.  He turned out to be a former classmate from high school!  Wow..talk about blown away.  He is married and claims to be happy but because of his advanced sexual appetite is not getting enough at home. He goes online to just talk (Ha!) with women.  He finally fessed up that he has never cheated on his wife.  He works out all the time at work and he is buffed!  Proof positive that he has a lot of energy to expel in the gym.  He said that he didn’t think his penis would work with any other woman.  As a matter of fact he was down right scared of even attempting to cheat.  All I could do is laugh.  From where I sit any time you involve yourself mentally or emotionally into someone else you are cheating.  It doesn’t have to be physical!

I view marriage as a contract.  When two people enter into this contract they have an agreement.  There are the written agreement stated by the person marrying them and an unwritten agreement that most feel should be self evident.  A few of those things being, stay clean, take care of yourself, continue to do the things that you did to get me, be faithful, have sex with me regularly.  It’s funny how so many are violating this contract when they stop performing the written and unwritten parts of the agreement.  With this being said, is it considered a breach of contract? Is it okay for the person who is being neglected to seek what they are missing elsewhere?  I am sure some would be in total agreement that if you don’t do what you say then I have the right to get it somewhere else.  To a degree I am inclined to agree, HOWEVER, I think that both parties should be made aware and deal with it according to their individual relationships.

The one thing I hate dealing with is reading the posts by the men complaining about what they are not getting at home.  I have a secret to tell you men…women only respond to you if they are feeling you.  If you stop doing something it could very well be the reason she is no longer receptive.  That is why communication is so vital!  I seriously think that is why my recent break up happened.  We were in the getting to know you phase. Our agreement was to always tell each other how we felt regardless.  He broke his part of the agreement. While I was asking if things were good he was lying saying they were when in fact they were not.  He didn’t tell me how he felt so I was left holding the emotional bag when he decided to shuffle off on his own.

The moral of this post is…it takes two to tango.  If you are in an unhappy situation TELL your partner!  How are they supposed to know if you don’t tell them?  The last time I checked there are very few mind readers walking around here.  If you choose to look outside of your relationship to bridge the gap so to speak tell your partner.  We are all adults (most of the time) and should be able to handle the honesty.  You will be surprised at what solid and upfront communication can bring to your relationship.

My Insurance Woes

“Don’t forget to be insured by April 1st.  Don’t be penalized for not taking advantage of the low insurance premiums.  Hey you may not even have to pay a premium and still get coverage!”

Blah, blah, blah!  I have seen the commercials advocating going to this company website and that company website to find out what your insurance coverage can be.  What they are NOT saying is what can a person who makes over 25k really get?  I have no problem with affordable healthcare for everyone.  My problem is being made to get insurance whether I can afford it or not.  No one came to my house to find out if a $5000 deductible and a $300 monthly premium is something I could afford in addition to things like rent, utilities, food, car payment, car insurance and other incidentals.  No one bothered to ask me if this is something that I could afford when my business has declined in the past year.

I am self employed in the mortgage industry.  I have been self employed for almost 5 years and love it.  I enjoy being my own boss but there is a price to pay for that.  I don’t have 401k and I am not insured.  I can solve my retirement issue but the issue of insurance is not so easy.  I simply cannot afford the monthly premiums proposed by the insurance companies.  No matter how I try to get it to fit I cannot pay those premiums.  It’s as if the government is refusing to see that this country is in trouble.  The unemployment rate is high, homelessness is high, food prices are rising; things are not as great as they want it to appear.

If you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out, if you put a frog in cold water and turn up the heat, it will slowly boil to death.  That is exactly how I feel about the current state of America.  We are all frogs sitting in cold water while the heat is slowing being turned up on us.  Before you know we are all cooked!  I don’t want to be MADE to have to get insurance.  This is the land of the free and the home of the brave.  If you haven’t read that book 1984, I suggest you read it now.  From where I am standing things are only going to get worse.  I am still on the fence about whether or not to be insured or just pay the penalty.  Either way you look at it I am getting screwed!

Optimist or Pessimist

I am back in the dating arena and boy is it rough.  When I was in my last relationship I had a security I hadn’t had in a while.  I finally felt like I was part of a whole.  We did so much together and seemed to have the same values.  I was very optimistic of our future and allowed myself to exhale.  The problem with exhaling is you never see the punch coming to your solar plexus.  I was blindsided with a text ending what I thought was a great relationship.  He never told me the “why” only that he had to do what was best for him.  Hmmmm that could mean so many things.  So now here I am wondering if it’s something I did and how to avoid it in the next relationship. I can’t say that my optimism is gone.  I do believe in relationships and hope to have one some day.  However, my pessimistic side has now taken the front seat and have booted my optimistic side to the back seat.

I think dating can be done in any venue.  I have dated from online and have met some fantastic people.  I have also met men in offline settings and have had some great and not so great experiences.  Everyone seems to have an issue with online dating.  I believe you can find love anywhere.  The only difference is you don’t see a face yet.  The lies are the same, the deception is the same as well as the honesty and upfront behavior; it’s all in how you handle it.  I am one part optimist and one part pessimist when it comes to online dating.  I am optimistic enough to always give that person a clean slate (not pulling in past issues) but pessimistic enough to be careful and watchful.

I have read some online singles ads that should be framed.  Men and women alike have this grocery list of expectations that they sometimes don’t meet themselves.  How can you expect to find something that you aren’t willing to give?  We all have our preferences, and that’s totally understandable. What happens when you meet your non preference and like them anyway?  Are we so stuck in our own strict preference that we won’t allow ourselves to think outside the box?  When do we move past ourselves to allow ourselves to embrace the unexpected and walk in faith?  That means not worrying what friends, family or people in general have to say about your choice.

I love that show Sex and the City.  I love the fact they face the issue of relationships head on.  Their methods may not be what everyone would agree with, but they deal with their insecurities, optimism and pessimism in such a manner that they are each others mirrors.  Their friendship allows them to support and be open about how they see each other.  Miranda and Charlotte are my favorite characters.  They personify optimism and pessimism.  Miranda is what I call an ASW (angry single woman).  She may meet a great guy but she wears her past relationships like a pair of dark shades, she can’t see past that to the person she meets.  She is always hostile and challenges everything a man says to her.  How exhausting can that be for a man!  I am sure he feels the work is not worth the reward…hence she finds herself in a string of non relationships that she somehow finds a way to blame the man…it’s laughable.  Charlotte is the snow white of the show.  She get’s her freak on but is always on the hunt for a husband.  She has this innocence that makes you wonder, is she for real?  She has her road to happiness all mapped out.  She has all of these rules that she believes will lead her to that happiness. The irony is she married a man who did not fit in with any of her preconceived notions of the man for her.  She found true happiness when she allowed herself to think outside the box.

I have to find my balance.  I know what I want and I am willing to compromise.  The fact is I still need time to get over my last relationship.  It was not a very long one but I invested so much into it that I need to regroup and refill.  Ladies and gentleman, there is nothing wrong with taking a step back and evaluating yourselves.  It takes two to make or break a relationship.  I will use this time to go over things and see what role I played in the demise of my relationship.  Not only will this help me grow as a person, it will help me the next time I venture into a twosome.