My daughter and grandson moved in with me back in January. I have to admit to having mixed feelings about them coming to stay. My daughter is 24 and to date has yet to come to any realization of taking care of herself. If I am honest I would say that my entire family have been enablers. Before my grandson it was easy to not worry so much about her welfare as in my mind she is grown. She has this total lack of respect for any type of rules. She has always been this way. She is an act now deal with it (if I ever deal with it) later person. She feels that she should be able to do whatever she wants.
This has led her down more than a few treacherous paths including a brush with the law that is affecting her to this day. When she was without child she would move from place to place. It was always great until the person she was staying with started asking for things or making rules then it was off she goes to the next location. This went on until she landed with her sons father. Don’t get me started on that. I have a whole blog dedicated to getting pregnant when you can’t mentally or financially deal with it.
To give you a little background on this situation. After moving from her baby daddies home she moved in with my mother. She totally overran my mothers house. My youngest had just lost her room mate so I took over the lease and moved my oldest in with the understanding that she would maintain her job and stay clean, neat and organized. I hoped and prayed that she would do as she promised but she didn’t. She left her job to go to another one and within 2 months was fired from that job. The reason is anyone’s guess as she is not willing to talk about it. This put a huge strain on my youngest finances and at the end of the lease I refused to renew. My youngest went to find a true place of her own and my oldest and grandson came here to temporarily stay.
The real reason I even agreed to have her stay is because of my grandson. I could not see him on the street or in some seedy location that may not be safe. I wanted to give her a chance to get a job, save some money and hopefully find a decent place to live. This plan was very short lived. You see, my daughter is very selfish. Her “me, me, me” attitude has not improved since becoming a parent. As a matter of fact I think she has kicked it up a notch because she is a parent. It seems like she is trying to hold on to her old life at the expense of my grandson and me! If you are a woman reading this, and have had a child, you know how scary it is. No book can teach you what to do..it’s all instinct. Once you and your baby bond it’s as if you fall right into that role of mother like a pro. My daughter has never fully bonded with her son. She has these on again off again moments. It’s almost like he’s a project that she gets excited about and then bored with and when someone else takes up the cause the excitement comes back. In between all this she is on her “do what I want” quest.
I do what I can in regards to watching the baby, but with my work schedule I can’t actively be there for my grandson. I have even toyed with the idea of taking him from her but then I take a step back. As per my first sentence I have a hectic work schedule and no idea how to fit in raising a baby. I have this overwhelming sense of guilt for not WANTING to take him and a bit of resentment at the thought of HAVING to take him. My resentment is not at my grandson, oh no, he is an innocent in all this. He didn’t ask to be here. As a matter of fact I tried to talk her into not having a baby because of how selfish she is. I told her exactly how this was going to play out…me being financially responsible for a child I didn’t have. She would not listen…as per her usual way of thinking she pushed ahead. She being the selfish person that she is refused to even consider what lied ahead for a young mother with no job, no home and nothing to show for herself. Now almost 3 years later she has on more than one occasion told me that she should have listened. That is the problem with selfish people…they act now and think later. The later is usually when the regret shows up.
Having them both live here has been an experience. I feel so out of wack, my peaceful haven has been invaded (that’s exactly how I feel) and I have no place for solace. The only time I can find a bit of peace is in sleep or when I am in my car. Since moving on my own I have become very settled in my ways and like to have my home a certain way. In order to try to maintain my household the way I wanted I drew up an agreement with my daughter. Because I know how she is I was very specific about my expectations, I guess you could say almost anally so. I made concessions for the fact that there would be a baby in the house. Most of my requirements were things that most people would do normally….but not my daughter. She has to be told to do the most basic of things..and it drives me crazy.
Well she immediately came in and true to form went about doing her own thing. She made me feel as though I was getting on her nerves by asking her to pick something up, put something back where she got it or even manage her child! I even tried the adult approach by talking about growing up and taking responsibility only to be met with eyes that are vacant with boredom or looks that shows she is not listening (you know the famous lip smack and eye roll or the eye roll up towards the ceiling).
You know, I can go on and on about her lack of motivation, her desire to smoke weed versus finding a job…. Oh and the fact that she would look for jobs that she knows won’t hire her just to say she is looking but I am DONE. Her total lack of respect and consideration for the rules of my home and for me have taken me to the breaking point. Yesterday I typed up her 60 day notice. It took me a while to do this because all I could see was my grandsons face. The thought of him being anywhere that I can’t be sure he is safe is scaring the hell out of me. However, I can’t allow her to use him as her get out of jail free card anymore. It’s time for her to grow up and stand on her own. This tough love won’t be received well. I am sure I will hear that I “put” her and the baby out when in reality she is the one who created this situation. Another thing a selfish person does is refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions. It’s easier to blame someone else than it is to acknowledge, accept, learn and move on from their mistakes. That’s the merry go round I have been on for years, pre and post baby.
My heart is heavy and I am scared. I don’t want to see either of them come to harm but where is the stopping point? When does the cycle end? I have so many questions that I am asking myself. Did I make the right decision to ask her to leave? What’s going to happy to the baby? Where will they go? Should I give her one more chance? My heart is saying YES just one more chance, but my mind is saying “we have heard this before”. She has been given countless chances to get herself together. Our family has rallied around her offering support and assistance in the hopes that she will get it together….she never does. At some point we all have to be accountable for our actions. We have to be able to put on our big boy/girl pants and walk in the path we created. Tough love is just that TOUGH….I just hope I am strong enough to stay that way.
Almost 2 years ago I rescued a scruffy little ball of energy named Toby. Toby had been with a family who kept him crated for 22 hours a day. They never took him out for play or just to be out and about. He had no human contact and no love. The first few months of us being together was a true battle of wills. Toby didn’t trust me and showed out in his own little way. One being is fetish for underwear and his love of playing keep away with my socks. He would wake in the night howling and I would sooth him back to sleep, my heart breaking at the thought of him doing that alone in a dark crate with no one there to show him that compassion.
how2empoweru 